Embracing Adversity

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I am really excited to share this story project that has taken the last few months to complete. It's a story of complete perseverance in the face of so much pain. Read on but just a fair warning you may need some tissues ready because this one hits right in all the feels.

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What a time to be alive... am I right people? I may sound a little cynical but in all reality today's world can be quite overwhelming. Being constantly bombarded with an endless stream of information can be mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sometimes even physically exhausting. From coronavirus cases to divisive politics, sex trafficking to racial tension, major disasters to China using Tiktok to spy on us. It just seems like the world is about to implode and disappear into a black hole.

As the cherry on top of all that glistening chaos, each of us face our own set of unique challenges—mental struggles, disappointments, failures, rejection, illness—whatever it may be, large or small, they are real challenges and shouldn't be downplayed. But sometimes... we just want all the hard stuff to go away then life will get better. Unfortunately that is impossible but after finishing this project, I learned the power of embracing adversity and using it for exponential personal growth. If you think about it, right now may be better than ever to open your arms and motion to your challenges that you're ready to hug it out.

The story found below was originally a project for a journalism class and not the public; but during the process of interviewing, writing and revising, I realized how much I learned and how relevant this topic is right now. It's not my story but the story of Dara Petrova.

I met Dara right as the pandemic lockdowns became serious. With so much uncertainty, one thing is certain—I'm forever blessed to have met Dara. On top of that we are coming up on five months dating.

I am one lucky guy to to be with such a kind-hearted beautiful soul.

I have seen nothing but kindness exude from her with every interaction. Whether it be with a complete stranger or the closest friend, Dara treats everyone with respect and kindness. Her ability to talk to and show empathy to others is uncanny. Everyone who has met her ends up as her friend. She takes such a personal interest in people's lives that she could make a living retelling their biographies. No one would have the faintest inkling of the heart-wrenching trials she has had to endure throughout her life because of her zest and positive outlook toward life. With her permission she hopes that by sharing her experiences she might help others in the face of challenges. It is a longer read and reads like a news article but I promise it is worth it. I hope you get as much out of it reading as I did writing.

Without further ado, I present Dara's Story: Embracing Adversity

Embracing Adversity

Ben Marsh

After surviving cyclical abuse from her family in Bulgaria and a marriage-turned-abusive nightmare that brought her to America at age 18, Dara Petrova found herself at the abrupt end to an emotionally draining three-year engagement. The pain was unbearable after a lifetime of what seemed like one heartbreak after another, but at this point, Petrova knew she needed to dig deep within herself to find the life and happiness she so hopefully desired.

“I knew I had to learn how to place emotional security in me and to not rely on other people to make me feel safe,” Petrova explained, “The last break-up was the door that really opened my eyes and my mind to really start believing in me—to be confident within myself and to not wait on others to make me feel that way.”

In the Face of Adversity

Over the course of history, human beings have faced a wide variety of adversities and traumas. Like Petrova, many have defied the odds to experience incredible growth while others have been crushed when faced with difficulties. Psychological resilience has been extensively researched, and within the last 50 years, emerging findings have shown hopeful promise for those facing difficulty.

Early on in research, resilience took a more concrete definition and was thought of as an extraordinary trait that some people just have or as a resource to be tapped into; however, emerging studies suggest that resilience may be more complex. In a meta-analysis, researchers for the Consulting Psychology Journal poured over years of work to gain more of a consensus on the topic.

They found that resilience can be simply defined as a dynamic process representing positive adaptation to adversity that unfolds over time. This means everyone can develop resilience to bounce back and even grow substantially with hardships.

So far, 2020 has been full of hardships. People face a constant barrage of information on difficult issues such as the divisive political climate or racial tension rising with protests marching in many cities. There is a growing awareness that children are being trafficked as sex slaves as one of the fastest criminal enterprises continues to grow. These issues independently can be crippling; however, all this information is being ingested while navigating a deadly global pandemic, making them even more complex.

COVID-19 has created many new hardships for everyone. Normal life stresses are being intensified as people adjust to “the new normal” of masks and social distancing. Unemployment is at an all-time high and calls to the Disaster Distress Helpline have increased 891% according to the Department of Health and Human Services. As unbearable as these hardships may feel, experts from the American Psychological Association (APA) say that adversity gives way for the opportunity to build character strengths.

In today’s climate of complex issues coupled with the emerging findings that psychological resilience can be developed over time, the necessary ingredients are present for the development of resilience. Ingredients such as Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR includes meditation, thought awareness, emotional recognition), spirituality, empathy, gratitude, kindness, hope and bravery can all work together to provide a positive outcome, according to experts.

Psychologist Martin Seligman developed an early model to recognize thoughts and beliefs that prevent resilience called the Three P’s which stand for personalization, pervasiveness and permanence.

Personalization is when one holds themselves unreasonably accountable for negative things that happen. This can place a lot of unnecessary blame, shame and stress on the individual.

Pervasiveness is the assumption that negative situations will spread across different areas of one’s life, such as believing losing a contest means you will lose at everything.

Lastly, permanence means that one believes bad experiences or events will last forever instead of being a temporary event. This can impede one from putting in their full effort. Each of these are ways brains can distort reality and, according to Seligman, recognizing them is a first step toward developing resilience.

Petrova’s journey to US Citizenship contains many realizations and components experts say are necessary to develop resilience—especially how adversity is, indeed, a necessary ingredient to develop a resilient life. She hopes her story will inspire hope and resilience for others as they experience their own hardships.

Post-Communism Bulgaria

Petrova’s journey began in 1986 as communism released its grip over Bulgaria. Born prematurely after multiple miscarriages, her mother gave her the name Bozhidara, (Boe-gee-dara) which roughly translates to “God’s gift.” They lived in a 600-square-foot apartment in the bustling city of Russe. Her father had left before her first birthday leaving her mother to work multiple jobs to make ends meet.

Petrova describes her strained relationship with her mother as cold and affectionless. At times, the lack of affection turned to physical violence, especially if she didn’t follow her mother’s orders. She remembers her deep desire of simply wanting love from her but would only be pushed away.

She recalls one of her earliest memories as a little 4-year-old when she received a hopeful phone call from her estranged father. He said he would come visit her. Immediately she ran to the modest apartment building elevator doors and enthusiastically waited for her chance of parental affection. Her mom kept telling her he would never show up; nevertheless, she stood by the elevator. Hours passed, the doors opened; the doors closed, until finally the sun had set.

It was a heart-wrenching moment to remember for Petrova. Through tears and a strained voice, she explained that all she wanted was to be held and consoled, but all her mom could offer is that she told her so. From a young age, Petrova felt utterly alone, but somewhere inside she continued to hope for a brighter future.

A few years later at age 6, Petrova became a big sister. As the two sisters grew together, so did the alienation. According to Petrova, her mother would say her younger sister was more beautiful and more capable. She recalls her mother repeatedly saying that someone as incapable as her is only born once every hundred years. Petrova took it to heart so much it affected her schooling and social life.

The constant belittling and emotional manipulation left her feeling starved. She could barely handle being home with her family, but she remembers that she still felt hopeful for the future. At 14 years old, just as hope was about to extinguish, a couple of Mormon missionaries knocked on the door.

Although currently not affiliated, Petrova explains that the introduction of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was a big turning point. It was this foundation that helped her open up to aspects of spirituality. In a study done to see how the effects of childhood trauma affect later mental and physical health, spirituality— “meaning making,” not necessarily religion—has been shown to help participants cope with past traumatic experiences and plays into overall resilience.

The Mormon religion is heavily focused on the importance of family, love and service to others and is derived from early American religions. She saw the young American missionaries and some of the older married missionary couples’ interactions. Distinctly, she remembered how well they treated each other. This resonated with Petrova due to the scars left by years of abuse and manipulation in her own family. She longed to feel that kind of respect and love from others.

Escaping to America: Prisoner in Paradise

A few years later, the first love of her life began writing to her from his home in Florida. She had grown up with him and was infatuated by the idea that he escaped from Bulgaria. Petrova remembers how Americanized media, freedom and capitalism’s ideals began flowing into the country as communism retracted. Bulgarians idolized this new way of living and her newfound love interest showed these qualities. The American dream became the pinnacle of success and someone she knew had made it. This made it all the more attainable for her.

She continued writing her first love, and he visited her. It continued until he asked her to marry him when she was 18. She knew this would be a chance for her to escape the hell she was experiencing at home and to pursue the American dream. Her hope was stronger than ever before. She married her love and shortly after prepared to leave. A month later with tearful goodbyes, Petrova wiped her mixture of sad and joyful tears, boarded a plane and finally escaped from Bulgaria.

When she arrived in Florida, she moved in with her new husband and his family.

“I went from a 600-square-foot apartment to a 2,500-square foot home with perfectly cut green grass and a big pool in the back. It was paradise,” Petrova recalls.

Her paradise quickly turned to her nightmare. In her attempt to escape abuse in Bulgaria, she noticed that her husband began to show authoritarian control, extreme jealousy and became physically violent toward her.

“He would grab the back of my hair and slam me against the wall and furniture,” Petrova tearfully explained, “One time he hit my mouth so hard that my teeth got indented in my lower lip. It was one of the only times in my life I prayed to God that I would live. The neighbors heard the yelling and finally called the police. He ended up getting arrested, but for some reason, I stayed.”

She tried to reach out for help, but deeply rooted misogyny in Bulgarian culture fought her at every attempt. Her in-laws would turn their head, and her mother’s only advice was to keep her mouth shut so she wouldn’t get hit. Petrova became a prisoner in paradise.

To cope with her circumstances, Petrova began escaping into the alternate reality of World of Warcraft, a popular online video game. This virtual world became her sanctuary surrounded by fantastical heroes and heroines. With no one else to talk to in reality, she began confiding in Matt, an online friend from Wisconsin who she describes would later go on to be her real-life personal hero.

Although it helped her cope, Petrova explained in retrospect, the video game only soothed her pains temporarily and wouldn’t have solved her problems long-term. This realization is supported by the APA which categorizes avoidance as a maladaptive coping strategy and can have negative long-term consequences.

Coping strategies, such as appraisal-focused coping which includes altering the way we think about an issue or behavior-based coping which includes learning new skills to adapt to the situation are proven to be more effective.

Her Personal Hero

After 2 years of putting up with her abusive husband, she finally opened up to her newfound confidant, Matt, about the gravity of her situation. At this point, Petrova felt like her “paradise” would lead to an early death. The violent outbursts were getting worse. Matt told her that she needed to get out or this man was going to kill her, but she felt trapped.

Even though she entered the marriage in good faith, the only reason she was able to stay in the US was through her marriage. Private conversations with Matt eventually were discovered by her husband. He screamed at her and told her that she needed to buy a one-way ticket back to Bulgaria.

At this point, Petrova began to have a strong understanding that there was something bigger out there for her. She bought her plane ticket and was now heading straight back to where she started. She noticed on her itinerary that there was a layover in Washington D.C. and felt this was a miracle and her chance to stay in the US. She informed Matt that she was not going to take the rest of her flight. She was going to stop there and continue her life in America.

At 21 years old, Petrova stepped off the plane in D.C., with a carry-on, $500 in her pocket and the clothes on her back, to start again in pursuit of a happy life. She finally met Matt at the terminal. Petrova credits him with saving her life in everyone someone could possibly do so. The next day she bought herself a ticket to Madison, Wisconsin.

Upon arriving, Matt’s mom took her in, found her an immigration attorney and paid $10,000 to give her a chance to stay in the US. She was forced to relive her nightmare by writing a 47-page affidavit and provide police reports of her experiences in her marriage. As painful as it was, she knew it was necessary. Slowly, she felt that she began to have the support she needed to begin transforming her dreams into reality.

A few years later her husband contacted her, professed he still loved her and that he had changed. She felt like she was in such a limbo because she knew she didn’t want to get back in the same situation, but she did not want to be 23 and divorced. She decided to return and give it one more shot.

Shortly after returning, the emotional abuse began. She recalls in her naivety she thought it was progress that he only hit her once. In contrast to her previous avoidance coping with World of Warcraft, Petrova instead unknowingly implemented a new coping strategy. She knew she had to face the issue. Courageously, she called it off and drove off in the night toward Utah, a place she had dreamed of living since she was 14.

Fulfilling Her Dreams

Life in Utah was the environment Petrova needed. She arrived with $600 to her name but found work quickly through contacts she had made when in the LDS church and began to thrive. She started saving up for her divorce and filed for divorce in Apr. 2010. Her ex-husband refused to sign and told her if he couldn’t be with her, no one would.

Finally, after months of begging to sign, she returned to Florida for a divorce hearing. The hearing was tense, but the judge ruled in her behalf. Petrova paints a picture of an important component of psychological resilience when she saw her ex-husband for the last time after the hearing.

“When I walked out of the courtroom, I saw my ex and gave him a hug. I told him that I had forgiven him and hope he is happy,” she said, “You have to forgive in order to move on with your life and be happy. You can’t hold onto your negative experiences because they shape you and make you stronger. I felt like I lost 100 lbs. My soul felt light.”

Her act of forgiveness can be confirmed by a collective study done by the APA to investigate the effects of trauma in adult life of abuse survivors. The study found that forgiveness—of oneself or of others—regardless of the pain caused, acts as a protective and healing factor against adversity and significantly contributes to resilience.

Petrova returned to Utah where she has resided for the last 10 years. Throughout her journey, she had been refined extensively through her difficult experiences, but it wasn’t until she was engaged once again that she placed the final components of resilience into practice.

She described her three-year engagement as easy. She put her whole heart into it. During the end of the relationship, she took care of her fiancé after a surgery every day for six months. After he recovered, he abruptly told her he no longer was in love. In one day, Petrova, once again was alone.

The breakup was difficult for Petrova, but it was the catalyst she needed to take personal responsibility for her emotional wellbeing. It took her six months to get back to feeling normal, but she feels that she was stronger than ever. She is enthusiastic about the future and just celebrated her one-year anniversary of becoming a US Citizen.

A Word of Advice

Petrova, now 33, currently resides near Salt Lake City, has a successful career in the financial industry and hopes to help others be resilient in the face of difficult situations. In contrast to her mindset during her trials, she now explains that she wakes up every day extremely grateful for the life she has and the challenges she has endured. She explains that she wouldn’t go back and change anything about her life because it has brought her to this moment.

Her life is far from perfect. Some days are harder than others, but she says her challenges have equipped her with knowledge to persevere. Now she is prepared before adversity strikes to utilize it as a springboard to push forward in her goals and continue to develop character strengths.

Petrova’s is but one story of resilience in a world of over 7.8 billion people each facing unique struggles. Opposition will continue to push forward in attempts to force a surrender. Uncontrollable circumstances, such as the pandemic, will continue to periodically ravage the globe; however, research continues to reinforce the strength and capacity of human beings to overcome such challenges.

World-renowned psychologist and holocaust death camp survivor, Viktor Frankl, once said, “Everything can be taken from a [person] but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way,” and furthermore states, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Just as Petrova did, and as Frankl stated, humans can change and adapt to the most horrific circumstances. One does not have to endure such extremes as the holocaust to learn this type of resilience. Scientific studies have described healthy habits that can help one preemptively prepare to face adversity, positively endure challenges, and ultimately end up in a better place following trauma.

Evidence suggests that overall mindfulness is one of the best ways to develop resilience, and one can begin practicing at any point in their life.

According to experts from The Institute of Psychology at Heidelberg University in Germany, “Mindfulness refers to being aware of all internal and external experiences—may they be pleasant or unpleasant—and doing so in a non-judgmental, accepting and self-empathetic manner.”

It can be developed through meditation, focusing on present sensations registering with the five senses and taking time to exercise self-kindness. It has been associated with a variety of positive mental outcomes, such as stress and emotional regulation.

To reiterate over 50 years’ worth of expert voices, people can change and can adapt positively to adverse circumstances.

In hopes to leave one key piece of advice, Petrova said, “You cannot choose the hand you have been given in this life, but you have to play the heck out of that hand and extract the most out of it in order to transform yourself into someone who is better and stronger.”

Although no expert psychologist, Petrova echoes the experts by sharing that even when life seems to be falling apart and face insurmountable odds, that people are capable to pick themselves up and keep going.

And that’s what science and history have proven—human beings keep going.